Moto Hell - The Motorola Modding Community

Well,the thread title says it all.. :) Lets have some fun here.
Lemme start it first. Dunno whether you heard it or not..

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing A tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
With you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Once day in the morning,wife ask for her hubby

Wife : b, look our neighbour..

Hubby : why?

Wife : every morning before her hubby go to work, he kiss his wife, and after
back from work, he will give her a roses. they are so lovely.. why dont u do like that?

Hubby : Are u crazy.. she is not my wife.

Translated from Malay Version(sorry if no jokes) :P

-----------------------------------------------------

An Engineer

u should be an engineer if :

- u are confuse while u want to make a choice between buy a roses to ur sweetheart or upgrade RAM for ur computer

- u think waste a time to have a vacation with a cruise(ship), u can go to personal visit at Engine Lab.

- u in the college, u think that semester break is 'metal fatique failure'

- salesman cannot answer ur question...

- ur laptop or Desktop pc is too expensive between ur car

- u have a lot of time with ur calculator between ur friends

- u try to repair a radio that the price just for $5.00

do you understand? u are totally not an Engineer

I didn't understand the second one.. But I'm going to be an engineer next year :P

- Mr. Policeman help! That guy over there stole my watch!
- No worries buddy... it's half past ten!


- Hey doctor, I am suffering from sex weakness :(
- Oh really madam? What is it exactly?
- I cannot reject any sex offer!


- Sir we have a good and a bad news. Which one you preffer first?
- Tell me the bad please
- Your wife is f***ing with the whole company staff!
- LOL dammit! What the hell could be good news in such situation?
- Well everybody enjoys it!

Phil,I just made some corrections ;) Hope you wont mind it :)
Another one : I think I got this from MoMo

This is a conversation between Condoleezza Rice and President.
Just imagine Bush's face when you read this. I think it's hilarious.
BTW "Hu" is pronounced as "who".

This was written after it was announced that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Thank You...Mr. President.

Lol.. jithinks...
Mr george should go to doctor... maybe he got hearing problem.... wakakakakaka

:D LOL, thats funny one... :D :D I like it...

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week."

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"


With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, " Pizza delivery guy"


Boy & Girl in restaurant


Boy :- I Love u


Girl :- I don't Love u


Boy :- Think again ?


Girl :- I told u. No no & no


Boy :- Waiter, bring separate bills.

 

 



Girl :- ok ok....... I Love u too......... . !

LOL i cant stop smiling on myself.

The George one is a killer!

Hahahahaha

(http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/4710/att00141cf1.gif)

(http://img374.imageshack.us/img374/364/att00138pu3.gif)

(http://img374.imageshack.us/img374/1355/att00135ad6.gif)

 

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine . Lets find yours!!

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends ".

**********


What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

" With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints .

**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

**********

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter ( Excitingly ): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints...

lol :) good couples dude

Judge: You must try to be a different kind of man
Thief: I tried man... but you put me in jail for document fraud

- Doctor, please help! It's hard for me to breed!
- Why you are self-punishing yourself like that madam? Just stop breeding!

Old monkey teaches his son what is a conditioned reflex:
- Look son if will press that red button then the idiot in the white dress will bring me a free bannana

A drunk man is going to sleep and he tells his wife:
- Listen.... please wake me up as soon as I feel like a drink...
- How I can know when you want a drink you idiot?
- Listen... just wake me up...

- How many times I must told you - never drink more than 3 beers and you must come home at 10!
- Oooops... looks like I switched the numbers

- My husband is drinking until he starts seeing green aliens
- Oh, my husband continues to drink with them :(

I like that Bush and Rice conversations.It's making me laugh all the time...Nice jokes,Jithinsk..

Once a smart  Sales  Executive and  H is Manager were traveling towards Ooty (A beautiful place in India) in a train.

Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.

With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our S/W engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

 

 


Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping.

Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is?

He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine;

she immediately slapped that guy."

 

 


 Manager thought that,

"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl!

But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me,

but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever   Sales  Executive  thought?

 

 


" This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because,

at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my Boss ."   

LOL :D
@JithinSK, i always like your jokes... ;D

A Chinese walks into a bar in
America late one night

and

he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies,

he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.




Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta
here."




The astonished Chinese man replied,

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour,

it was the Japanese".




"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied
Spielberg.




In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

"You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."




The Chinese replies,

"Iceberg, Spielberg,
Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother took her little boy to
church.


While in church the little boy said,
"Mommy, I have to pee."


The mother said to the little boy,
"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.


So, from now on whenever you have to
'pee' just tell me that you have to
'whisper'."



The following
Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the
service said to his father,


"Daddy, I have to
whisper."


The father looked at him and
said, "Okay, just whisper in my
ear."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Present For Husband



A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training
session.


Her husband drives her
to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.


The wife answers :
"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for
you?"


The husband laughs and
says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he
picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the
trip?"


"Very good, thank
you." "And, what happened to my present?"


"Which present?"
She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian
girl!!"


"Oh, that" she
said

"Well, I did what I
could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl
!!!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

a Girl

my mum advice me,
if my boyfriend wanna touch my boobs.. just said  DONT
if my boyfriend wanna touch my @#$%.. Just said STOP

but if my boyfriend touching my boobs and @#$%.. so i must said DONT STOP

WHO IS THE GREATEST?       

 

 

Cow, Ant & Donkey

Cow , ant & a Donkey are debating on who is the greatest among three of THEM

So here it goes........ ......... .

Cow : I give 50 litters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest.

Ant : I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the Greatest.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

HELLO-WHY ARE YOU SCROLLING DOWN??

ITS YOUR TURN NOW - PLEASE SPEAK UP ;D

LOL......damn donkey

hahaha

i got served Again.. :(
HAHAHA

Here's one I heard from my friend:


There were three salesmen and three developers on a train.
The salesmen bought three tickets,
but the developers only bought one ticket,

salesmen:Why did you only buy one ticket? You have to buy three!!
developers:We will see...

So when checking tickets,all three developers hid in one bathroom.

ticket checker:Please hand out your tickets...

Out of the developers bathroom came a long hand holding a ticket...







On the way back,
the salesmen decided to do the same - what the developers had done before;
so they only bought one ticket. ::)
But this time, the developers hade no tickets... ???

salesmen:See how you pass this time...
developers:Just wait...

When checking tickets,six people headed in to two bathrooms,




























And the developers nocked on the salesmen's door and said: Please hand out your tickets......


 ::) :P

Here's another one:



A burgular said to a preist:



Burgular:Help me god...

Preist:What brings you here my boy?

Burgular:I stole a cow from someone...what should I do?

Preist:See if the person finds out, give the cow back to him.

Burgular:The person does not know,is it ok if I give the cow to you?

Preist:No no no! God will punish me if I take the cow,go ask him if he wants it back.

Burgular:But he said he dosesn't need it back,then what should I do?

Preist:Keep the cow then,god will bless you...



The burgular left the church happily and went home.

And that night,the preist found out that the church was missing a cow...... ::)

haha the last one is a good one

INTERESTING NOTICE


On a Toilet door
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

 

 

 


 

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 

 

 


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

 

 


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

 

 


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

 


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

 

 


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

 

 


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 

 


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

 


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

 

 
And this one is my favorite :)


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D  ;D

ding dong :D :D :D

xD very good ones !!!

xexexe ;D

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a  show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little  Tommy.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...

Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was  pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f*%@# beautiful !"

Always Allow The Boss To Speak First

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
 
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
 
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Langkawi, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.
 
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Singapore because there is no jabatan agama to catch me with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.
 
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p
 
Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

f**** beautiful :)))

LOL nice one Rauna...

The mother is knocking on the door of the room of her son. HE IS IN PANIC! He throws the cigar our of the window and opens it wide, then he sprays a lot of air fresher and opens the door. The mother is angry:
- What are you doing here you lazybones?
- Mother, please mother... I swear - I do not smoke!
The mother, really bored from his lies, replies:
- Listen wretch - I do not mind if you smoke, drink, take drugs or go with whores. The only thing I want you to do is to get a real wife dammit - you are 45 years old for God sake!!!

Hehe.. Seems it is Phil's actual story..lol ;D

I think Phil doesnt have 45 years lol

yeah definetly :)

Why men should concentrate


WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - silence - -

HUSBAND: F**k.....

LOL

hahaha.. so her husband still have a scandall LOL

Haha.. Good one.. :D :D

LOL, nice...

...

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and
jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable
programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife

========================
Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an
operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2
to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav
files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,
IT Support

Just ctrl+alt+del if the HUSBAND 1.0 is not responding... :P

I've read the same, but for "Wife 1.0" in Bulgarian :)

Care to translate it to english? Im interested on that one :D Since this one is kewl too  8)

I will search for it

Btw - the one above is not the full version. Check out here: http://mistupid.com/jokes/husband10.htm


edit: here is wife 1.0: http://www.annoyances.org/exec/show/article09-132 and it do have another cool followup :)

Legal Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Haha...nice...

superb... I knew some of them

Yea, I hate lawyers  ;)

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'

Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator:         'Went away?'

Caller:              'They disappeared.'

Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller:              'Nothing.'

Operator:         'Nothing??'

Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller:              'How do I tell?'

Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller:              'What's a monitor?'

Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller:               'I don't know.'

Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'

Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              'Yes, it is.'

Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'

Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller:               'I can't reach.'

Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller:               'No.'

Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator:          'Dark??'

Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller:               'I can't.'

Operator:          'No? Why not??'

Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator:          'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller:               'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator:          'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller:               'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator:          'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!

hahahha... I work as a tech support too and we have so much similar examples :) Hehehehe

Ha...

So how many times have you been fired,Phil?? ;D ;D

hahaha.. the dumbers caller LOL

a jokes my brother mail to me.....

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
 

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! 

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? 

 

Caller: I'm Sam Wan ( someone) And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?
 

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan ( no one ) was
involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
 

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then
the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't
have time for this!
 

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Lol.. Good one.. :)

nice xtremetcx ;D

++

The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time.  Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

hahaha I was thinking while reading "why these numbers" :)


"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high of $3.15 this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." --Amy Poehler

"There was a sign at the station near by my house that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express." --Jay Leno

"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, taken by the gas stations." -- Jay Leno

"On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places. Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were no weapons of mass destruction but apparently there's no gas there either." --Jay Leno

Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you
would offend the person standing near you?...NOT.   Well, if you are, then
here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not:                     An airhead
She is:                         Reality Impaired

She is not:                     A Bleached Blond
She is:                         Peroxide Dependant

She is not:                     A babe or chick
She is:                         A Breasted American

She does not have:              Major league hooters
She is:                         Pectorally Superior

She does not have:              A Great Tan
She is:                         Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to:             Score or pick her up
You want to:                    Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not:                     A perfect 10
She is:                         Numerically Superior

She does not have:              A great butt
She has:                        A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get:    Married or hitched
She does not want:              Domestic Incarceration

She is not:                     Half naked
She is:                         Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have:              A perfect body
She is:                         Anatomically Gifted

She is not:                     Drunk or tipsy
She is:                         Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not:                     Small or short
She is:                         Vertically Challenged

Kinda old one.. I dunno how many of you have heard this..

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........

Einstein says "newton's out..newton's out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....

That makes me Newton per meter squared......

since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!  (http://www.msnhiddenemoticons.com/Library/extra_large/popo/default/big_smile.png)

LOL.....nice trick....... :P

LOL

Broken PC

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?
HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

I don't get it? What is "4X"?

Oh.. sorry, its so old. Its should be 52X.
He use CD ROM as cup holder.

Just miss the funny part... :(

ahhhhh the CDROM speed :))) Gottcha

hahaha.. yeah you should update it to 52X.. LOL its very funny

Bulgarian gypsy:
- Listen people, you must have principles! Look at me for example - I always take a bath at the end of each month, even if I am not that dirty!

lol.. I'm sure there are a lot of Bulgarian gypsies here.. ;D

ahhhh.....

- Hey father, are the aliens friends of us?
- Why do you ask that?
- Well two aliens came home today and they took grandma...
- Oh in that case yes - they are friends!

- Doctor, I have a problem... I love one horse... sexually...
- Oh God... Do you actually love a mare or a male horse?
- A MARE OF COURSE! What do you think about me - that I am a pervert or what???

A man is drinking very fast in the bar. The bartender asks him:
- Listen man... you are drinking too fast! Why do you do that?
- You listen man... if you was on my place you would do the same thing!
- Oh really? Why is that?
- Because I do not have any money in my pocket...


The wife:
- Where have you been?
The husband:
- I was at a wedding... there was a lot of drinking!
The wife:
- Yeah I can imagine... Please take off that wedding dress now


- What is the biggest problem of the Johnie Walker drinkers?
- To keep walking of course...


Parts from a letter to the boss:
"I am really sorry that I didn't came to work on 1st of January. The problem was that I was thinking that I am already there..."

- Who walked with dirty feet in the house? - asked the mother bear
- Who eated from my food? - asked the father bear
- Who is sleeping in my bed? - asked the baby bear
- Oh shit - three speaking bears... I must stop smoking - answered the Masha

Haha.. lol :D

... <_>"

- What is defference between man and Superman?
- Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.


Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
- His lips are moving.

- Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
- Professional courtesy.

- What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
- Not enough sand.

- Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
- Take your foot off his head.

- Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
- No? Good!

- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
- A vampire only sucks blood at night.

LOL....suond like you hate lawyers really much....

Is there a person who do not hate lawyers? That's a basis for a new joke :)

There sure is.. Criminals love lawyers...its a mutual thing...

WHY LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH

One day, an Ang Moh (englishman) from USA arrived at KLIA Airport.
After he checked out from the customs,
he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet,
the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok").
The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA
they have to "see the cock" before entering the toilet?
So he said "no" but the lady insisted.
Since he had no choice, he took out his cock and showed it to her.

The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay),
but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said "Do it! Do it!" So he asked, "Now? Here?"
The lady replied "Yes,  yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English.

The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him,
so he stripped the lady and made love to her.
The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay),
and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"

He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay).
The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD?
OK, sweetheart, I'l l be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied.

Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!"
The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."
 

Please dont let this thread go this way.. I'm getting tempted to edit this one..

alright...i'm sorry...it'll be one time only...

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?   

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?   

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?   

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?   

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to Make terrible? 

8. Why is it called building when it is already built? 

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?   

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots?   

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented?   

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???

Haha.. Awesome.. ++ :)

...

:)

Soldiers capture an intruder at the border. They give him a dice and tell him that if throw between 1 and 5, he would be shot..
The intruder says what if he throws six?
They reply that he’ll get another throw.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

What's Better: Work, or Prison?

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.  ;)

In Prison: You get three meals a day free of charge
At Work: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

In Prison: For good behavior, you get time off
At Work: For good behavior, you get more work

In Prison: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At Work: You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

In Prison: You can watch TV and play games
At Work: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison: You get your own toilet
At Work: You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

In Prison: They allow your family and friends to visit
At Work: you aren't even supposed to speak To your family

In Prison: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
At Work: You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

In Prison: You must deal with sadistic wardens
At Work: They are called 'managers'

alright then....i'll go to prison... :P

will you??

George W. Bush and Colin Powell (An old joke  :)) are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that`s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We`re planning World War III”.
And the guy says, “Really? What`s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, “Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Sorry mate but I dont consider this funny :(

Just take it as a joke.. ;)

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.
“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”
“Johnnie”, she said.
“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”
“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”
“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”
“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.” :) :)

lol...

smart move :P I know twins with equal names, which is even more terrible

A  woman takes a lover home during the day while her  husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees  them and hides in the  bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the  boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy  , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that sh*t again , you're in my closet now. 

hehehe

English lord is adjusting his watch himself. The footman is shocked:
- Sir, what are you doing?
- Do not worry James, everything is ok. I got some healt issues recently and the doctor said that I must take some physical exams...

PRICELESS WORDS

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said,

"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk –"PRICELESS"

LOL that was a good one :)

Woman is shouting at her husband:
- I am sick of you! I can't take it anymore - you are drinking too much! Now you are even naming different brands of vodka while you are sleeping!
- What... I can't visit the pub even in my dreams huh?

lol :)


A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into

Wal-Mart

with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



The Wal-Mart

Greeter said pleasantly 'Good

morning,

and welcome to Wal-Mart.

 

Nice children you have there.

 

Are they twins?'

 



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they

ain't twins.' 'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell

would you think they're twins?

 

Are you blind, or just stupid?'



I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter.

 

'I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

hehehehe old and classic :)

...

Naughty Answers!


Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.   
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says : 

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
************ ********* ********* ********* *****

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "send me a brother"
Santa wrote back, 

" SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
************ ********* ********* ********* *

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

************ ********* ********* *****

Husband asks:   

"Do u know that the meaning of WIFE is:
Without
Information
Fighting
Every-time
Wife replies:

"No,......
It means:
With
Idiot
For
Ever !!!"

************ ********* ********* ********* **

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
************ ********* ********* ********* *   

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack
& our driver ran away
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad says:  "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my
son, THAT is confidential.

uuuuuu.,,, look at it :D:D:


(http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/1193/learnchineeshc1.jpg)

Capische??

i think it is posted before......also by me.....

niiice

Why the beer is better than the women:

1. The beer never cries "sorry my head hurts"
2. You can take a couple of beers for a single night
3. You are always sure that you are the first one who opens the beer
4. You never buy flowers to your beer
5. Multiple beers on a table do not talk no-senses
6. You can share a beer with friends
7. Beer is cheaper
8. Beer do not have a mother
9. You can return empty beer botles
10. Cold beer is good
11. Beer always waits you patiently and never complain about "you are late"

hahaha
but you can not having sex with a beer, do you? :P

I DONT WANNA KNOW :-|

yeah better don't wanna know if somebody can :)

Three fathers talking:
- I found a pack of cigarretes in the closet of my daugther... I didn't know she is a smoker :(
- Poor you but guess what - I found a needle in the closet of my daughter... I didn't know she is a junkie :(
- Lucky you two - I found a condom in the closet of my daughter... I didn't know she is a boy :(

LOL...

This is a good one.. :)

A man wound up ship wrecked on a deserted island. The only survivors of the wreck (besides himself) was a sheep dog and a sheep.

After the days passed into months he began to look at the sheep with interest. He had heard that sex with sheep was good and since he had become so lonely he was starting to wonder about it.

So he decided that he would have a go at the ole sheep. The problem was that no matter how hard he tried that sheep dog would just about eat him up every time he got near that sheep. Day after day he plotted and schemed, but he was unable to get to the sheep.

One day, while he was sitting up against a tree looking and longing at the sheep he happened to look down toward the beach and notice wreckage washing ashore. Then he noticed a body laying in the water near the shore. He got up and headed down and as he got closer he thought it looked like a woman. "A woman!" he thought, "I hope she is still alive!"

He ran all the way to where she was laying and found that she was still alive. He pulled her out of the water and lifted her up into his arms and looked at her there. She was nearly naked and soaking wet.

She said "Oh sir! You have saved my life! How can I ever repay you! I will give you anything you want!"

He grinned and as he looked down at her he said "Anything?" She nodded.

He held her close and they walked up the hill and he took her behind some bushes. He held her close to him and whispered in her ear "You see that dog over there? Hold that son of a bitch down so I can get at that sheep"

Mwaaa haa haaa haaa ;D ;D

LOL LOL LOL :)

The new priest gives advises to the noobie:
- Ok dear friend now try to cross hands in front of your chest and listen the confession  with patience
The new priest do that... After a little while:
- Now friend please try to tell the guy "yes I understand", "please go on" and "how do you feel?"
The new priest do that... At the end of the confession the old priest ask him:
- Now how do you feel boy? Don't you think it's much better that way instead of slapping your knees and shouting "No way! Are you serious? MUHAHAHAHA"

Japan doctor: Our medicine is so great that we can transplant a kidney from one patient to another and he will be up searching for a job in four weeks.

The French doctor: That's nothing. We can transplant half a heart from one patient to another and both patients will be up searching for a job in two weeks.

The American doctor: You are way way back. We got a man without brain from Texas, put him in the Whitehouse and after just one week half of the American nation was searching for a job...

politics jokes is always funny LOL

The bus is full of kinds going back to home from school. A very fat man enters inside and starts shouting:

- Please step aside for the old man with the aquarium!

One kid jumps from his seat and the fat guy sits. The kid asks:

- But mister, where is your aquarium?

The fat guy starts to fondle his round belly and says:

- 500 grams of sprat fish and 5 beers!

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman Said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The Jamaican says, “Dat is easy.”
And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Jamaican.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
“Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Jamaican,
so he says, “All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.”

“SO, WHEN I START?”

hahahah :)

One crutch talking to another:
- Man, something between us limps...

There was a wise man called Goha visited his friend at chickens farm
his friend wanted to laugh at Goha and asked him (can u goha count how many chickens present in this farm in 3 minutes)?! of course Goha said..after one minute Goha answered  (3417 checken)!!! his friend got crazy and asked him ( right..how did you know that)?! (i counted their legs and divided it by two)!! Goha answered...!!

Again....Goha and his son were waking beside their donkey people said (look the man and his son are waking beside the donkey) Goha didn't like that so he ride the donkey people said (Goha with stone heart ride the donkey and let the little boy walk) also he didn't like that so he let the boy ride the donkey(look the young boy ride the donkey and let his old father walk) people said.. Goha decided to ride the donkey with his son (look the man and his son have no mercy to ride this weak donkey)! people said.. Goha and his son carried the donkey people laughed and said(look Goha and his son got mad)!!  one never can make all people satisfied about him all the time..

once there was a man lost in a big desert and he got very tired and so hungry and suddenly a Giant appeared  to him and told (you have only two wishes) the man who was hungry asked the Giant for  a very large plat of beans to eat after only 5 minutes he finished eating (ha what is ur last wish?) the Giant asked
  (a hot cup of tea) the man answered!!

LOL.... i would ask for more wish.....

once upon a day, a prince going to across the river with his horse. but he doubt if water shallow or not. so he asked a little boy who play near there. the boy answer it's very shallow. the prince get his move and suddenly drowning, LOL..the boy say that every morning ducks never get drown when across the river

a bit rude joke..
there was a twin feeding from their mother chest one of them was angry from his brother so he decided to kill him by putting the poison on his mother right chest..!!
the next day.....father died!!

LOL, father choose the wrong side.. :P

please don't be that father

hahhaha yeah very black joke is that :)

He must ask the Giant to sing, then they get drunk

jemau manak
do not forget there were only two wishes!!

A ha ...
then he must wish another wishes

No more wishes and the stupid man will lost in desert because of his foolish thinking (instead asking the Giant to return him home ) he thought about the moment he live and wanted tea!!

yeah , he must go home now

Ask him!!

yeah, man, please ask the giant to turn him home

There were two friends walking..one told to the other (u know i like Vienna so much specially at July month) (but as i know u have never been to Vienna before) his friend said (because my wife used to visit her aunt at July in Vienna every year) he answered!

once there was a man walking over a mountain and suddenly he found a man trying to throw his self from the mountain he caught the man and told him( are u crazy to kill ur self?) (let me die.. every one see me tell me that i am stupid...i want to die) the man shouted..(no u r not)..( i will ask u 3 question&if u answer any 1 of them u r smart &the other r liar) ok ask
1- something appears in the sky from east to west...
after 30 min of thinking (i do not know) okey it is the sun
2- a very large star appear in the sky and very hot and first letter of it is (sun)!! also after long time the man said( i have no idea)..ok it is also the sun
3- also a star appears in the sky at night and the first letter of it is (moon)!! (ha ha i am not stupid it is the sun)  the man answered !! the other man kicked the stupid man out from the mountain and shouted(go to hell foolish man)!!

maybe you can help that guy, teach him, since you look so smart

yeah, you look so smart. why don't you help that poor guy, don't kick him to the hell, remember, you are smart don't you

i do not walk over mountains!!

haha I translated this joke in Bulgarian in one blog article :)

which one?

A man is watching television. His fat woman comes:

- Get the bag and go to shopping for food!

The man is angry:

- What the hell? This is not a man's job to go shopping! This is for women!

The woman replies:

- Right heh? So it's not a man job? Then you undress your clothes and go to the bedroom. I am coming in a minute - wait for me, I am horny...

The man retires:

- Ok, ok... People can't even joke anymore. Where is the bag?

the one with the supid man on the mountain. I did not post it as joke, but like a story...

nice..

i think jemau manak& Motoking did not like it..it is just a joke.. no body hurt or stupid people died....

ha ha..that's just a joke bro.
i am wondering if he wear cloth or not, since he was stupid
ha ha ha..
but, in reality, i feel guilty, don't laugh if someone foolish/stupid, because he don't want to

@ ha ha exploited, what happen then ?
the housband really go to take that bag, or..he undress first,

haha gone shopping naked :)

well, don't be that guy, he he...

@jemau manak
never mind as i mentioned it just a joke and all the cast are from writer imagination....

thank you, do you have another joke

Ahly and Zamalek are the most famous football teams in Egypt ,but nowadays Ahly beat zamlek many times over last 6 years,that zamalek people get bored of their team performance..once one of zamalek people was walking in dark street A Giant( again the same Giant!!) appeared to him suddenly (what do u wish)? the Giant asked the man...(i wish to see my dead father and talk to him)!! man answered...(dead father?!  i have no ability on death or life..i can get u much money or big palace) said the Giant..(ok i want zamalek to beat Ahly next game)...after one min the Giant said( ok it is much easier to me to get ur father and make u talk and laugh with him than to make Zamalek beat ahly!!) 

ehm... i can't participate coz i'm late... :'( :'( :'(

ha ha ha.. ahmed, where did you get that joke,

I am that man!!
and the damn Giant was supporting Ahly!!

ha ha..maybe they did play well

so..the giant was liar

once there was a man crazy about plans driving..so he got the book of (how to learn to fly) and went to the airport and stole a plan and read the book and obeyed every sentence in the book and successfully take of with the plan...after 3 hours of enjoying flying he got bored and decided to get down so he opened the book and completed reading it till the last page he read(to learn how to get down with ur plane wait for the next edition...!!)

He should fly for a week..he.. Funny..

the football teams one is so great haha :) I used it against my own team today :)

Ahly    : MU
zamlek : chelsea
Egypt  : england
he..i used it too with my friend(chelsea lover) :P

Two liars are walking beside
one told the other(u know my father is very tall that his hand can get the tower end!!) the other asked(he hold some thing rough?!)
(yes)..(it is my father knee!!)

hoho

One mafia guy was very dumb. Once he wanted to start a collection of paintings. He gone to a gallery and started to ask:

- How much you want for that painting?

- This one is $2000

- Hmm... how about that one?

- This one is Picasso - it costs $200 000

The mafia guy is amazed:

- Holy cow! How come? They look about the same to me. Why one is much more expensive than the other?

- Well... the painters that are classics are very good. Many of them lived a long time ago and are already dead; however their paintings remain in history and therefore are more expensive...

- Really? Then please give me a couple of the $2000 paintings of alive authors and you can count them classics from the very next day...

A puzzle much more than a joke
What beneath land and sky?!

'and' ????

ha ha ha...smart man :)

why the ant did not take the elephant in front of it on the bicycle?

Bcoz the ant just was sitting in the backseat?

one more chance....!!  ;)

I dont hv any idea..

To not disturb the ant by playing with the bicycle ring!!

an electrician man get a new porn girl..he called her (Lamb)..

Lol.. :D

6 drunk thieves decided to steal a bank two entered the bank.. two watched the way and the last two called the police...!!

nice try
they must be very faith partners

3 drunk people visited the doctor he asked them 3*5 equal what? 
the first equals wends day!!
the second  equals 300!!
the third equals 15... right u are wake up..how did u know that?
 i substrate 300 from wends day..!     

 3 friend were lost in the desert one of them was very silly..
 a giant(the damn one!!) appeared to them and asked only one wish to every one
the first (i want to go home)..he disappeared at once
the second(i want to return my town)..also disappeared
the silly one( i want u to get them back again)!!

Why the ant is hiding behind the door?!  ???

because the ant was scare

No jemau manak...the ant is hidding behind the door to change its clothes!! :o

okey..
so, still need a clothes ?

i do not know what kind of clothes it wears but i think she feels shy if any body see it naked and becomes with bad reputation!!

3 girls
1. beautiful but not sexy
2. sexy but not really beautiful
3. smart, maybe genius, but not sexy or beauty
which one you choose ?

i tend to the first!!

hmm..
can't we choose all ?
he he he

Lol.. Jemau, sexy+beautiful+smart girl = evil

u know jemau manak the real beauty is the soul beauty what ever face pretty or not sexy or not but i think being a bit smart is not bad ,there are beautiful women have a stone heart..i think the best women with the beast dealing(not beast face)...

ho ho..
no doubt my friend

Two students were too late to school
the teacher asked them(why were you late to school)?
the first: i was dreaming that i was traveling abroad..
the second: i was saying good bye to him...!!

ha ha ha
so, who is liar

both..!!

- I heard that your rooster is very lazy...

- Oh, yes he is extremely lazy. When the neighbor rooster crows, mine is just shaking head like he's saying "yeah yeah..."

the judge: why did u kill her by a knife ?
the criminal: i did not have enough money to get a gun and kill her!!

what a lazy, better fry that rooster

Bulgarian mafia brothers gone on a trip to USA. Each of them bought a new fancy car and started trips around US. Sadly none of the brothers speaks English.

Suddenly on one highway one of the brothers is stopped by police for speeding. The mafia guy did not understand what the policeman is saying and finally he was arrested.

In the arrest they found a translator who told the guy:

- Mister, you are under arrest for speeding. The limit was 65 miles per hour and you was driving with around 100!

The mafia guy answered:

- That's not true! I saw a sign, saying limit 101!

The translator laughed:

- Oh no, that was not a sign for the speed limit. That's the number of the highway!

Suddently the mafia guy started to laugh loud. The translator is confused:

- What's going on?

The mafia guy answered:

- Haha, you know what - my brother is currently driving on highway 580!

ho ho ho..
so, that's why police can't arrest the other one.
they must use plane !

very miser man dreamed that he was spreading money to people ..after waking up he swear never to sleep again !

he already did.. he lost very much when he decided not to sleep

supersaiyan cry since he can't convert himself back to normal. then his wife say to Goku, ow silly monkey, just cut your tail !  Goku said, no, monkey is a normal !

Some Turtles decided to take a journey..after four years they reach the place..! but they forgot the salt added to food so they sent one of them to get it..after waiting another four years it did not come so they felt hungry and decided to eat food without salt..suddenly the sent one appeared from behind a tree and said ( i did not go because i know you are cheating me and eat without me)!! ???

lol.. ha3.. so, the turtle keep hiding behind tree for 4 years

-Two drunk people one told( u know my eyes are red since yesterday i can not walk)! the other (if it turn green u can go)!!
-the same two one asked the other (where did u get born)? (in the hospital) ( in the hospital? you was sick?!) Sillly joks!!

Woman in a sexshop:
- I want to buy five vibrators...
The salesman:
- Why so much?
The woman:
- I like the random relationships...

real random...;D